36 and Beyond…
Every year as I age, I write a blog, about my learnings, my achievements, about my accolades. But this year I am going to write about many things that have saddened me. And how I have been coping!
So, let’s look at the positives first! I got a Doctorate after a lot of hard, but I also called my thesis supervisor out when I realized that all she did was treat her mentees like school kids and had a demotivating aura about her. She clearly couldn’t take the honesty. But I was quite proud of myself for eventually taking a stand. Secondly, I did a whole lot of voiceovers! I loved doing them, but unfortunately, after a point of time my voice caved in and I had to go through recovery. But I am okay now and I do get back at it once in a while, in fact, I do some ads now too! Thirdly, I started my own YouTube channel and put my music out there. I went from just singing to recording, producing, and directing videos. Fourth, I finally wrote a book! And it has been selling well! So, considering I did all of this by the time I turned 36, I should be chilling right? Not caring too much about the rest of the year? Ha! If only I knew how to chill better! But yes, I did take a 2-month break. And I also put some thought into seeing how to move forward. I want to do more purposeful work. I want to work at an NGO and see if I can make a difference. This year on my birthday, I raised funds for an NGO that takes care of new Mothers and their babies. Next, since my thesis mentor did such a terrible job, I applied to the same University to be a mentor myself, so I could help people the right way. I also have this teeny tiny desire to do a Postdoc, but the thought of the workload is daunting to me. But baby steps, it’ll happen if it’s meant to happen!
Okay, now the downside. Although my friendships have strengthened, my dating life has not got any better! Am I doing something wrong? Why do I feel saddened when dating people, like I have this voice in my head going-this isn’t going to lead anywhere anyways, so what’s the point?! That has got to change. But I have built a beautiful relationship with myself which I would never want to falter. Also, I realized that at this age and hence further, having a biological baby would be tough. I was feeling terrible about this when it struck me but I am looking at other options that would make me feel less sad. For example, teaching kids, adoption, or maybe even freezing my eggs.
My thoughts and feelings are deeper as I age and I know that whatever happens, I will be okay and I can deal with it with grace. I am way more positive, and empathetic, and know I want to live life to the fullest, but it also comes with sometimes not knowing what to do with the time and money I have. How do you channel what has been given to you or what you have built to move further? There is a want and need for newness but also the knowledge that some small, new surprises can happen here and there, but the bigger ones have to be worked upon. So, I’m trying to make do with the small ones. Is 36 and beyond, more of downtime hence forth, as opposed to heavy achievements? Or do you get small wins interdispersed with more time for yourself? If you have any thoughts on this and ’36 years and beyond’, let me know! ☺